If you have any Red Alert based jokes or short stories or anything funny about it please send them to me so they can be put on this page. Be sure to include your name if you came up with the joke and want crediting for it.


I have a Red Alert joke from Jason Hoang.
Question: Why aren't Allied tanks very powerful?
Answer: Because they don't have the tanknology!

A funny thought by Skyosyd7:
You really, really know you' ve been playing too much Red Alert when a hot chic asks you out and your response is "Yes sir, affirmative." - I'm sure the girls can replace hot chic with something from their own imagination :-) - Brian Bird

Yet another joke (this one by AnoleJake)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stalin.
Stalin who?
Quit Stalin and open the door!!

Another joke (loosely based on RA)
Q) Where does the general keep his armies?
A) Up his sleevies!!

A joke by Existence:
Q. Why don't the Allies have very powerful Tanks?
A. Because they're not Tank Russian.

Some jokes by Gareth Bird. I'm sorry to say these are probably the best so far!! :-)
Q. How do you know that nsc players like goldfish?
A. They build so many tanks

Q. What's the difference between World Cup '98 and Red Alert?
A. In Red Alert, France have a 90 per cent shot rate!

You know you're a tank rusher if...
you forget what a barracks does
you think an iron curtain is a port-cullis
you can squash in a game or two in between breaths
you don't know what the planetarium in the middle of your opponents base does (see Jargon page if you're too embarrassed to ask!)
if your games don't show up on the 'phone bill

You know you're not a tank rusher if...
you hear "Medic reporting."
you've sent a message to an opponent
you need the Jargon page to understand what NSC means

You need help if...
you train thieves on a regular basis
you train shock troopers just to hear "Burn, baby, burn!" (Sorry to those without Aftermath :)
you load up an APC with attack dogs

Thanks to Gareth Bird for these jokes:
Q. How many Red Alert engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Four.

Q. How many C&C engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. They have to 'phone for four Red Alert engineers!

Thanks to Shaw Li for writing this funny article:
S=Slovisoues
T=Control Tower
C=co-pliot
"Slovisoues (English name, John) is ready to fly his Mig's into enemy area."
S: Landing gear..........................check
S: Bombs...........................check
S: Flaps...................................check
S: Everything ready control tower.
T: Mig 1342, you may take off runway 249
"Two hours later, he hears his co-pliot say:"
C: Two F-14's coming out way.
S: Roger
C: F-14's at two o-clock
S: Well, it's only one thirty. What do we do until 2?
C: Beats me.
S: Let us put this baby on auto.

So now you know why the allies don't have any decent airforces left... :)

Also, you can download a really funny Rules.ini file called "Command & Comedy" by clicking here.

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